


Touch my joystick

by sycamoretree



Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit (2012) RPF
Genre: Angst and Humor, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-09
Updated: 2013-04-09
Packaged: 2017-12-08 00:40:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/754955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sycamoretree/pseuds/sycamoretree
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for prompt on the Hobbit kink meme on LJ: Apparently Aidan, Dean, and Stephen Hunter played Xbox really loudly and in this story the cast hears them yelling and moaning and thinks a rousing threesome is going on next door - which causes one awkward time before they all figure it out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Touch my joystick

**Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2**

James Nesbitt whistled a happy tune as he strolled across the trailer park towards his own humbled abode to pick up a hotel bar-sized bottle of whiskey he had hidden behind a package of decoy yoghurt cups in his miniature refrigerator.

It was just a treat for himself after a long day of filming Lake town scenes involving Bilbo and Bofur, along with a still brooding Thorin. James had been freed from the prosthetics and warm clothes and just wanted a drink before finding some dinner.

The evening sky looked lovely, his publisher hadn’t nagged him for a while on his phone, and the environment was wonderfully quiet. Just as James rounded Jed’s trailer and finally saw his own home, before he began whistling the next verse, a sudden noise startled him and he halted.

With eyes like a hawk, the attentive and ever-alert actor scanned the park but heard and saw nothing out of the ordinary, besides the sounds from his shoes against the asphalt. Hm. He pursed his lips to resume the song when a definitely louder noise reached his ears. It came from Aidan’s trailer, though the blinds were down and curtains drawn haphazardly and no lights were visible from it.

“ _Yes. Yes! Yes…! Yes…! Yes!!!  AIDAN!_ ”

James’ eyes widened and his heartbeats thumped in his temples as his eager, quick mind put the pieces of information together for future blackmailing and teasing.

That was Dean’s ecstatic voice.

Growing louder.

Screaming Aidan’s name.

In Aidan’s trailer.

James frowned, not entirely trusting in what his senses told him. No, it was probably just a childish game between the two young actors who had become friends. James had never noticed them share anything beyond devoted friendship, so he was probably wrong…

Aidan’s growl travelled past the plastic windows of his trailer and washed over a stunned Nesbitt. “ _Faster, come on!_ ”

“ _Fuck you, I’m going as fast as I can_ ,” came a frustrated retort from a ragged voice with a Kiwi accent.

“ _Dean, please! Have mercy and finish me already!_ ”

A triumphant cry from Dean followed, and then a frankly pornographic Irish moan that James could have recognized anywhere. Aidan fell quiet inside the trailer but Dean’s laugh carried across the park.

“ _Yes! Oh, that feels so nice! I’m awesome and you’re a loser._ ”

James’ eyebrows honestly lifted and his mouth was dry. This was… juicy news.

He had never imagined… Dean and Aidan romantically involved…

Two cast mates fucking...

And maybe experimenting with dom/sub tendencies. At least James had never called his lovers losers.

He sniffed, rubbed his cooling hands together and resumed marching to his trailer, needing that shot of whiskey more than ever, like a woman in a noir movie needed a cigarette after a nice session of sex. This information required thinking and strategy, if he was to use if to his advantage. Which of course he would.

The lads had only themselves to blame for shagging in a place where anyone passing by could hear them. Now it was James’ duty to spread his scoop amongst his fellow actors. Suddenly the hours of waiting beside the sets seemed less boring with a project like this.

***

“Aidan and Dean are boning each other, pass it on.”

James unexpected hiss in Jed Brophy’s ear made the redhaired dwarf jump and he rolled his eyes as he spun and observed a grinning Nesbitt twirling his jutting moustaches decadently.

“What now?” Jed asked in an exasperated voice and crossed his arms over his rather bulging chest thanks to the fat suit beneath the woolen tunic of Nori’s.

A look of annoyance flashed over the colleague but was swiftly replaced by a toothy smile. James dropped his voice and impatiently pushed the slightly too big hat back from his eyes.

“I said; a certain fellow countryman of mine has begun sleeping with a rather short citizen of your country, Jed. And you are tall.”

“Jimmy, it’s soon my turn to film a scene and I don’t have time, nor wish to listen to your enigmatic…”

“For heaven’s sake, be a bore about it, then!” James exclaimed, earning himself angry hushes from the filming crew nearby, before he leaned into Jed and articulated, “Aidan Turner and Dean O’Gorman are fucking.”

Jed moved his head back and shot the man a dubious glance. “Uhm, okay?”

“What? That’s like the news of the century, at least here on set! We have two guys who are an item here. Isn’t that exciting?”

Jed cocked his head at the eager man and emitted slowly, “No offense, Nesbitt, but I’m not buying that bullshit from you. The boy who cried wolf, you know. This prank won’t work on me.”

Suddenly fear entered James’ eyes and his shoulders slumped as he looked crushed. Even the moustaches seemed to sag. “But it’s true! I walked past Aidan’s trailer the other day and I heard them going at it. I swear on… my ancestor’s cattle’s grave!”

Jed clapped him on the shoulder, thinking the insisting and yet devious actor worth pitying.

“That’s rather farfetched for an oath, Jimmy. I’m sorry, but you can’t trick me. Try it on Adam perhaps. But frankly, this gossip joke seems a bit tasteless when it involves two nice men I respect.”

With that’ Jed strolled off towards a waving Peter Jackson and James stood bristling and crumpled his emergency note with scribbled lines in case he blacked out during filming.

“I’ll show them proof. A Nesbitt has not been bullied into silence, ever since we pushed the redcoats back into their boats…” (Okay, maybe he didn’t really have epic ancestors, but he had pride, dammit! And this was modern warfare).

 

**WWE ‘12**

Some days later, Martin Freeman was enjoying the breeze on his toes through the holes of his sandals, but fought off anger at an Irish actor with rather characteristic eyebrows who crowded him against the wall of his own trailer.

James looked manic and constantly turned his head left like a broken toy from a Happy Meal. Martin pouted and stomped on James’ toes.

“Leave me be, and stop raving for fuck’s sake. You’re almost scaring me.”

James breathed hard and held up a hand in front of Martin’s face rudely. “Shush. Wait for it. I’ve been researching for the last few days, and it’s always an hour after Dean and Aidan have entered a trailer. Just look, Martin.”

“A white trailer, just as boring as my own. Spectacular. Breath-taking,” Martin drawled and suffered James’ narrowed eyes that glared at him.

“No, don’t watch, but listen! Any second now.”

“You’ve been nagging me about the two of them for a week, and I still refuse to believ…”

“ _I’m gonna get you, Dean_.”

At the suggestive statement, Martin stopped struggling against James, and he craned his head to the right, tracing the sound.

“ _No, look, we can talk about it, Aidan, ha ha_!”

A laugh followed and then sounds of bodies squirming inside Aidan’s trailer. Looking very pleased with his prediction, James stepped back while Martin got an appalled look.

“No!”

“Oh, yes,” James happily confirmed.

“Dean, and Aidan?” Martin breathed and the taller actor nodded solemnly.

“Alas! Another young pair succumbing to the sin of lust. I take the credit for finding out, by the way.”

Martin tried to process it, but was interrupted by lewd exclamations.

“ _Here you go, love._ ”

“ _Shit, Aidan, I need…!_ ”

“ _No mercy this time. You’re mine, O’Gorman._ ”

“ _Come on, then! Take me!_ ”

“ _Oh, I intend to._ ”

Martin pressed a hand over his mouth, either to suppress a curse or to stifle a giggle. His eyes gleamed and they sought out James’. “They are shagging,” Martin said. James held out his open hands in a nonchalant gesture and agreed.

“That they are. And often. Seems like they never can get enough of the erotic wrestling.”

“We need to explore this, get the others informed, plan for teasing.”

“And credit goes to me, right?” James asked in an insisting tone and Martin nodded, licking his lips hungrily.

“Fine, but only if I get to tell Richard.” Martin wanted to see the man’s face upon realizing what his pseudo-nephews were doing in their pastime.

“I want to be present when you do,” James negotiated and Martin didn’t have to think twice before he grabbed James’ hand.

“Deal.”

****

**Star Wars Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy**

Mark Hadlow was seated on a camping chair and eating a chocolate bar while tapping his foot impatiently against the ground. If only the warm sun would shine upon the small group of huddling actors that hid in the shadows behind Orlando’s trailer that had recently been delivered to the park.

Mark had, just like all the other dwarves, recently heard from reliable sources (which meant from anyone who wasn’t James Nesbitt) that Fili and Kili were not just showing each other brotherly love in the early evenings, and sometimes mornings when they weren’t needed at the studio.

Mark bit down lazily on a peanut covered in toffee, surrounded by chocolate and reached down to pick up another bar from the bag he had brought with him. No-one could ever accuse him for not preparing provisions before a secret stakeout.

He nodded at Peter Hambleton and let the unopened bar dingle between his fingers. “You want one?”

“Quiet down!” came an urgent hiss from James who was as far from relaxed as a man could be, as he still clutched the binoculars to his eyes and spied at the trailer of interest two rows down across the middle road. They had set up camp and waited for forty-five lousy minutes, only entertained for three of them when Aidan and Dean had exclaimed shouts like: “ _I’m gonna jump you, nice legwork, look how long my thing is now; you are so going to feel the force of it now._ ”

The spies had even missed the moment when the actors went inside the trailer, the picnic was gone, mostly thanks to the roving hands of Peter, Martin, Jed, and William Kircher.

The rest of the dwarves hadn’t wanted to supervise the occurrence and some, like noble Richard, had declared an urge to respect the integrity of Aidan and Dean. Though, Martin had soberly countered before he was to continue his scene with Gollum, two men doing it loudly and repeatedly when they could very much be overheard only had themselves to blame.

There was no denying the happening any longer, though; not with the visual evidence of the two younger men being lethargic in the studio, and the audible complaints the make-up department made every early morning when Aidan and Dean showed up with dark circles around their squinting eyes, and slightly greyish hue.

No-one had confronted them, yet. The other adults might be joking behind their backs, but neither of them were actual bastards who wished to crush the budding romance.

Suddenly James started and ducked his head down and everyone scrambled up to observe how the creaky handle to the door moved.

‘Here we go,’ Mark thought with butterflies fluttering in his belly, or more likely peanuts, as he crept on all four and peeked through the front part of the caravan chassis. Some distance away, the door flung open and Dean, dressed in a very wrinkled shirt and jeans came out, stretching so his bellybutton showed for a moment and then his attention turned towards the other figure who stumbled out.

Mark suppressed a gasp at the sight of the debauched Irishman who had wild, wild curls in a nest. Aidan grimaced against the sun and when he jumped down to the ground from the threshold, his body seemed exhausted. They looked hung-over, really, especially when Aidan pressed his forefingers against his head and began massaging his temples.

“ _I have a headache._ ”

“ _Oh, was it a too long session?_ ” Dean wondered and kicked some pebbles.

“ _No, I’m sure I’m just dehydrated._ ”

Dean gave the man a fond smile and one of the assembled spies, Mark didn’t notice who, let out quietly, “Yup. Gay.” And then Stephen Hunter followed the young men and descended the two steps.

Wait, what?!

Mark reeled and everyone else appeared to have a similar reaction.

Stephen looked just as tired as Dean and Aidan, and he inhaled deeply once before going to their side.

“ _I had no idea one could do that with a body,_ ” Stephen told them with a grin and Aidan gesticulated with his hands as he explained, “ _It’s all about flexibility. Something I happen to possess._ ”

Mark noticed how Martin’s jaw dropped.

“ _You git! Only because you enjoy steroids with your daily breakfast,_ ” Dean accused his friend with a punch on his arm and Mark began worrying. Was Aidan a steroid addict? Should Mark report this to Peter? Would it be the best if he got Aidan fired because they couldn’t have an irresponsible actor with possible anger problems here? What if he hurt Dean or Stephen in one of their tumbles?

Then he saw how Stephen threw his big arms around the younger actors, hugging them tightly. “ _Thanks guys. This was lovely. I hope I did some things well._ ”

“That looks like cuddling to me. Definitely post-coitus move,” William commented in a neutral tone. Meanwhile, Aidan blushed and squirmed himself free, running a hand through his nest of black hair.

“ _Come on, Hunter, it was just for fun. But I’m… we are glad you're accompanying us._ ”

Dean threw an arm around Aidan’s shoulders and nodded. “ _As much as I enjoy having Aidan with me, it becomes routine after a while, so another partner is just what we were looking for to spice things up. Lucky for us we found you._ ”

Stephen beamed and placed his hands proudly on his hips. “ _Oh yeah? So can I come back tomorrow maybe after filming? I feel hooked already._ ” Aidan chuckled.

“ _Of course. See you._ ”

The three men parted, Stephen heading to his trailer and Dean and Aidan going towards the catering area. As soon as they were out of earshot, the brimming emotions inside the spying actors erupted.

“Has Stephen intervened and betrayed us to the pair? Do we need to abort the mission?” Martin inquired sternly and the men looked at each other.

“I didn’t tell him.”

“Neither did I.”

“I haven’t heard him mentioning them before.”

Jed clapped his hands together to bring silence. “Ooo-kay. I see an unexpected development. Either invited to join Dean and Aidan, or inviting himself, Stephen has become the third party in that joining. And he, along with the two kids, doesn’t know that we know.”

James fake-gagged and thrust the binoculars into the picnic basket and gasped, “I don’t know what’s worst: seeing your everyday co-stars so obviously engage in a threesome, or rushing inside your parents’ bedroom at night and seeing them create a childhood trauma!”

Mark remarked calmly, “But you seemed to shamelessly indulge in the juicy details before…”

James snapped at him, “Look, I didn’t exactly expect Stephen in the handsome mix!”

“Maybe he has hidden qualities that Dean and Aidan appreciate,” Peter pondered and Jed lifted his hands to cover his ears. “Please stop talking about my colleague’s ‘qualities’,” he begged and James sunk onto his haunches and clutched his head as he rocked like a mad man, lamenting, “My own baby brother, my own baby brother.”

With a sigh, Mark stood up and folded his chair. “Friends, I guess it’s simple as this: we will experience surprises when it comes to that relationship. I for one had no idea they would get together in the first place when Dean arrived, let alone that they’d be so vocal about it. And get along with Stephen of all people.”

Peter added with a grave tone to the group, “I hope that even if it seems strange that they haven’t come out to us and told us anything despite their tumbles, we will let them make the decision to inform us or not, and pretend to not know anything, just as a gesture to honoured colleagues.”

They all agreed, but it was admittedly a muted gang that spread out from Orlando’s trailer some minutes later. Stephen had definitely been a surprise none of them had foreseen.

 

**FIFA Street 2**

During lunch, Ken Stott heard an excited, “ _Hi, Ken!_ ” and turned to see Dean exiting his trailer, shielding his eyes against the sun, but waving his other hand at Ken.

Ken, who crossed the park in his ‘naked’ fat suit, getting some fresh air during lunch break, answered lightly, “Hello, Barbie.”

He was pleased to see Dean flush and self-consciously drag a hand through his golden locks, bleary eyes blinking rapidly.

“ _Who’s a Barbie?_ ” Stephen wondered as he too came out from the trailer and raised his hand to begin to massage Dean’s nape and the younger actor’s head lolled forward and he moaned in appreciation.

Ken cleared his throat and looked down at his fat, padded legs. As horrible as it was hearing the gang engage in sex, it was worse actually seeing post-sex rituals.

Dean, with uncommonly ruffled hair rolled his tender shoulders and sighed. “ _I’m thinking food, a shower, the bed._ ”

“ _Sounds like a plan,_ ” Stephen grunted behind him before he added, “ _But how can you be hungry after everything you ate?_ ”

Really, it wasn’t Ken’s fault that his mind came up with images of whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and whatever else was fashionable sex food nowadays.

Dean replied dryly, “ _That stuff was all salty! I need something sweet to balance it,_ ” and winked cheekily at Ken. Ken actually blanched at the very suggestion of what salty thing Aidan had recently digested, and excused himself quickly to let them have their moment to themselves.

 

**Battlefield 1943**

Richard accidently overheard from Stephen’s trailer a hoarse demand he realized belonged to Aidan. “ _Hit me! Hit me, you fucker!_ ”

‘Oh, God. They’re into rough sex.’

That would explain the constant darkness beneath Aidan’s captivating eyes. Richard wouldn’t have pegged Aidan for a submissive partner in bed, or at least not with the extreme preferences of getting slapped around so roughly.

Richard respected people’s own choices in the bedroom, but he was concerned about the growing aggressive air around the shutdown trailer that never let anyone look inside. It seemed like Dean and Aidan often left unhappy with sagging bodies, when they weren’t smug.

So now Richard occupied himself with washing off smudge from his trailer with a sponge, which wasn’t his job, but a pleasant chore of normal life he didn’t mind doing, and the task also proved a perfectly valid reason for him to stay outside and be able to keep an eye on Stephen’s trailer.

After some time, Aidan exited the trailer, looking utterly miserable with dragging feet. Richard immediately dropped the sponge in the bucket and approached him.

“Hey, Aidan. I wanted to talk to you.”

Aidan turned large, blank eyes towards him and began fiddling with his hands. Richard brushed his own wet hands on his jeans and inquired softly, “Is everything alright?”

Aidan shrugged and fixed his aloof gaze on the roof of the studio instead of on Richard. Richard thought he could perceive a quiver in the other man’s voice. “It wasn’t what I had imagined it would be like. It was tougher. Harder. Painful. Stephen all but slaughtered me.”

Richard paled and fear for a hurt Aidan flared inside him like wildfire.

“Consent is a vital part of a relationship.” Richard said seriously and tentatively stroked a hand over Aidan’s upper arm. Aidan gave him a fleeting grimace. “Tell that to a seasoned actor. He’d get bored with me if I tell him I don’t enjoy the game anymore.”

“Aidan, you know I will always be here for you if you ever…”

Aidan shook his head as if clearing it from somber thoughts and smiled at Richard. “Never mind that. That is in the past. I’m going to hit the showers.”

Richard frowned; worry creeping over him in goose bumps as he watched the hunched back of the retreating man. He pondered if he should tell anyone of this, and decided on Graham who was worldly and also pragmatic with a sensible mind could have a good advice on how to proceed with the matter.

***

James Nesbitt, having recovered from the initial shock of the additional part in the romance, said with a lewd voice to Stephen while in make-up one early morning, “Never knew you to be a kinky bugger. Calling shotgun on our two younger geniuses.”

Stephen frowned before brightening in realization and he turned in his seat, ignoring the annoyed squeak from the make-up artist, and waved a thumb at Dean.

“He is talented. Not to be underestimated. Him, though,” pointed at Aidan. “I think needs a few more lessons to improve his technique in some games.”

James’ eyes widened a bit at the piece of intimate information Stephen seemed to surrender so easily, and unbidden.

 

**Worms 2: Armageddon**

In middle of night, in trailer next door to Aidan’s, John Callen was awakened by moans and squeaking leather couches he knew Aidan had furnished his temporary home with.

'Oh, no.'

With horror, he sat up, listening to how his co-stars moaned with abandoned It wasn’t voyeuristic. More like heareuristic, or whatever the Latin term was.

John sat up and peeked through the blinds, because the pair was so loud they had to move the trailer. And John saw a lot.

Shapes from a light, but hidden by curtains were clear, showing how one man was moving up and down, tossing his head back with abandon while another head was placed lower behind the first image. The shapes were rocking together.

As both profiles were turned the same way; one in front of the other, John understood that one man was riding the other reversed style. He stared with horror while Aidan’s and Dean’s voices filled his ears with more intimate conversation.

“ _Push that button._ ” Dean instructed.

“ _I’m already pushing it!_ ” Aidan’s cry was almost panicked, followed by a long groan.

“ _You’re lousy at this_ ,” Dean remarked

“ _Shut up, you like it anyway_.”

“ _I’m bored._ ”

“ _But you’re watching! How can that be boring? You have the privilege of lounging and studying a master work._ ”

“ _I want to do it too,_ ” Dean complained and Aidan said comfortingly, “ _Fine, fine. It’s your turn after I’ve finished myself._ ”

“ _But you can last a long time!_ ” Dean whined.

“ _Not with my bar._ ”

John hit his elbow against the windowpane and swallowed a curse at the searing pain and thought, ‘Oh my God. Aidan is attached to a spreader bar.'

“ _Mine has stopped vibrating. Oh, bugger._ ”

“ _You broke it, Aidan!_ ” came an accusing growl from Dean and the bouncing stopped.

“ _It wasn’t my fault! It was you who handled the thing. Anyway, I think it just needs a change of batteries._ ”

John decided he had heard enough and hid head under the pillow, willing the sounds to vanish. He wasn’t going to think or dream of Aidan and Dean discussing the status of their sex toy vibrators or dildos. Thank heavens that the trailer at least had steady legs and wouldn’t rock back and forth like a van.

 

**Guitar Hero World Tour**

Adam tensed for a second when he was interrupted in his meal by Aidan and Dean who unexpectedly plopped down on either side of him in the canteen during lunch hour. The whole cast was still in costumes and prosthetics, though Adam had his glasses on, but everyone wore large aprons to protect the valuable costumes. Dean’s moustache braids dangled violently.

“Hello, Adam,” Aidan greeted with a sweet smile.

“Hi.”

“You’re fairly young, right?”

“Uhm…” Adam hesitated but Dean tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. “What he means is; you have fast reflexes and patience and stamina to last a long time.”

Shivers ran down Adam’s spine and he tried to let down the two flirty men gently. “Guys, I’m not sure…”

“So we were wondering, that is, Stephen, Aidan, and I, whether you could consider joining us one day. We need another player.”

With his cheeks burning, Adam sputtered behind his plate of steaming pasta.

“It's… incredibly flattering of you to invite me, but I’m definitely not made for those activities. I’m not comfortable with a crowd.”

“What? It’s just your friends.” Aidan blurted and looked crestfallen but Adam decided to stand his ground and not give in to any pouting Irishmen where his sexual boundaries were concerned.

“And I would like for you to keep being my friends and nothing more,” he said.

Dean explained gently when a clearly disgruntled Aidan huffed and left the table with his clattering tray, “Don’t mind that spoiled kid. He’d looked forward to it, it’s all. I tried to warn him that you might not be into it, but you know how brash Aidan is; assuming things in advance.”

“It’s fine,” Adam told him and straightened his apron. Dean smiled warmly at Adam and then unexpectedly clasped one prosthetic-large hand on his thigh under the table and squeezed and Adam stiffened, eyes immediately darting to the table where Richard, Martin, and Graham were seated, wondering if they would come to his rescue should he call for it.

Dean leaned close and muttered, “Actually, Adam, I hoped too that you would accept the great honour of becoming our partner. There’s this new game we’ve been dying to play and we need to be four.”

“No, Dean. But you three have fun,” Adam stammered and suddenly Dean got a dangerous gleam in his eyes and a hungry grin on his face. His other hand slid over Adam’s fingers.

“So much potential, Adam. I’ve seen your nimble fingers work those knitting projects of Ori’s. You’re brilliant. So I suggest, because I am very competitive, that you secretly team up with me instead of Aidan. What do you say? You would satisfy my need to win.”

Squirming in his seat, belly churning with unease, Adam lifted his gaze and saw Graham lock eyes with him and frown.

“I really don’t want to participate in that perverted game of yours, and I sincerely hope you can respect that!” Adam lashed out with a shaky voice and slapped Dean’s hand off his thigh and grabbed his own tray, intending to leave.

As he stormed off, Dean called after him, apparently not ashamed to blatantly share his intentions with the rest of the canteen, “Okay, I know the game can be considered a bit superfluous, but there’s no reason to boycott it all together, Adam!"

Adam closed his eyes for a moment and continued to scurry off with trembling hands and red cheeks, knowing that every respectable actor in the canteen was staring at his retreating form, knowing that he had been deemed a perfect addition to the liaisons between Aidan, Dean, and Stephen.

 

**Confrontation**

Mark nibbled on his lip while John was wringing his hands and Richard leaned against the counter in his trailer with folded arms and looked at the gathered group of dwarves and a hobbit on his couch.

William was the first one to speak up, with a tentative tone. “Do all of you think Aidan, Dean, and Stephen have been acting weird lately?”

Graham shifted on the couch, happened to bump his elbow into Adam’s arm, and replied, “I sense that there’re things indicating that this is not a normal, healthy relationship.”

Richard dragged a hand over his thick beard and said stiffly, “I tried to ask Aidan about it but he was only being evasive and looked very unhappy. I’m worried about him.”

Mark threw his hands up and exclaimed, unbothered by James’ hushes, “I can’t be the only one being bothered by their constant threesomes! I can’t sleep at night because of the noise.”

Martin nodded and said simply, “It’s time for intervention.”

***

The three men looked very uncertain and small as they occupied Beorn’s enormous couch on the set, with Dean in the middle and Aidan absently shifting closer towards his blonde friend as he chewed nervously on his lip.

Jed had suggested the place for a meeting to the trio; apparently a neutral and temporary place, he had said to Dean.

Stephen felt odd having the rest of his fellow dwarves stand before them, looking like a sharp unity and in a no-nonsense mood.

“What’s going on, chaps?” Stephen grumbled, growing wary of their seriousness. The dwarves and Martin looked at each other and then James’ extracted himself from the crowd and shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

“Listen, there’s no way to say this without being awkward or blunt, so I’m just gonna say it: we’ve tried to be supportive of your choice, and we are, but will you three stop having loud orgies? The rest of us can’t sleep or relax when we hear you going at each other. Either you stop, or move the trailer to the other side of the trailer park.”

A silence followed and then Dean laughed and clapped his hands. “Bravo! What a Shakespearian performance. Ten out of ten for dramatic effects with the gang standing behind you. You certainly got us. I thought we were in trouble or something.”

James got a confused expression and shook his head. “No, that’s not…”

Richard stepped forward and his blue gaze swept over the three men, lingering on Aidan and his sallow face before rumbling, “This is not a joke, Dean. We can handle this without involving Peter or the police if you insist on it, but know that you and Dean can always, at any time, have a safe haven in my trailer. You don’t have to keep being with Stephen.”

Stephen lowered his eyebrows and protested, offended by Richard’s unexplainably cool attitude regarding him, “Richard, they are my friends. Why are you saying things like that?”

“Because you mistreat them! Look at them; all pale and tired! And Aidan said you had hurt him!” Richard suddenly roared and everyone jumped at the frightening rage; Dean and Aidan almost falling off the couch.

Dean chuckled uncertainly and tilted his head. “Richard, Stephen is nice to us.”

Martin interjected while tugging on Richard’s sleeve to ground the man and stop him from doing something rash, “I’m sorry , but we couldn’t help but hear you for the last few days. We’ve heard… sounds that hinted at you two not having a good time.”

Aidan lifted his chin and uttered with a stern voice, “Honestly, what is this? You’re all acting mad and there’s nothing wrong with me, and I’ve only complained about my new Xbox game and…”

“Wait, what?” Richard stammered and Aidan dragged a deep breath and enunciated while glaring at Stephen, “My Xbox. The new game. Which Stephen beat me in over and over. I still think he’s cheating.”

Mark stumbled forward and narrowed his eyes. “Your Xbox? That’s not a code for anything sexual, is it?”

Aidan reeled his head back and shouted with a strong accent accompanying his upset mood, “No! And unless you explain right now why I, Dean, and Stephen are being treated like people in an interrogation room, I’ll leave.”

Mark’s eyes widened and he uttered slowly, “This whole time… in your or Dean’s or Stephen’s trailer; you’ve been playing video games?”

With a suffering tone, Stephen confirmed. “Yes. What’s wrong with that?” Then errand questions began flying through the room and the confronted trio haltingly answered them the best they could as they began to grasp what a terrible assumption their stupid but concerned friends had made:

“What about all the salty jizz you had to announce to the whole park you had swallowed?” Aidan frowned, and then blushed furiously. “It was crisps, you morons! Just a snack!”

John Callen emitted, “I saw you through the curtains, riding the other, up and down. Tell me my eyes deceived me. Dean wiped his sweaty palms against his jeans and delivered with embarrassment, “Ehmm, Aidan likes to bounce when he’s excited. And he has a tendency to sit between my splayed legs when we play, but that’s it.”

Aidan snapped at John, “Man, have you been spying on us?”

“It was hard not to, because sleeping was impossible for all the noise you two rascals kept with all your sex toys needing new batteries.”

“That was our controller!”

“And the spreader bar you were attached to?”

Aidan paled and gaped, stunned, and Dean came to his rescue. “How perverted do you think we are? We were probably talking about our life bar in the game. We are not lovers! I’m sure we mentioned our gaming nights to someone…”

“Actually, you didn’t. Not straight out.”

Dean discovered Adam on the left flank of the group and jumped down and grabbed his arm, dragging him in front of the others, gesturing eagerly at the young actor. “You, Adam! We talked during that lunch about you joining us for our four-player game. You can vouch for us.”

Adam pulled away roughly from Dean and crept under Graham’s protective arm while the taller man gave Dean a dirty look.

“You propositioned me, you creep!” Adam shouted and Dean backed away, taken by the fear in Adam’s eyes. Graham gravely added, “You persisted even when he said no. Not everyone is into activities that are more than vanilla. This is very serious, Dean.”

Dean held out his palms with a desperate expression. “I invited him to a game of Guitar Hero! His agile fingers would be perfect for the controller. I’m not a fucking rapist!”

Angered by the accusations aimed at his two friends, Aidan brought his leg back hard and kicked the wood of the couch before jumping down and helping Stephen down from their exposed position. “You are mad. You are all completely mad. Thanks a lot for your trust and support!”he snarled.

James, suddenly the most sensible man and least driven by his emotions, whistled loudly and everyone turned their heads towards the Irishman.

“Mission aborted, gentlemen. We owe Dean, Aidan, and Stephen an apology for not understanding that they were just entertaining themselves with an old-fashion Xbox. We can admit that we are dirty-minded but also kind bastards who just wanted to make sure that our three friends were alright. A mistake has been made, and we’re sorry.”

The others began shuffling their feet, looking down and losing their will to fight, and they began stating their apologies clearly to the victims. Richard even stepped forward and hugged Dean and Aidan tight as he asked their forgiveness, before extending his open hand to Stephen, blushing but with honest eyes.

“Can you ever forgive me, Hunter?”

Stephen scanned Richard’s formal pose indifferently for a moment before grinning widely and taking Richard’s hand. “Of course. At least you were very protective about the younger ones, as I would have been if I lacked some amount of brain cells like you apparently do. It’s one redeeming quality, Armitage.”

Dean and Aidan had coaxed Adam from Graham’s shielding arm and were chattering kindly with him, not without tears of laughter in their eyes, and receiving pats on their shoulders from various dwarves.

Martin slumped against the leg of Beorn’s large table and massaged his temple and whispered wearily to himself, “I’m surrounded by dimwits.”

Peter tutted at the paleness of the trio and firmly ordered them to spend time out in the sun and not locked up in a dark trailer for hours.

Then, as proof of their grandness, Dean invited the whole dwarf cast into his trailer the next evening for a real gaming night they could all participate in and enjoy without worrying about sounds leaking to the outside and being misinterpreted. Everyone agreed and began planning on what snacks to bring.

 

**Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light**

Peter Jackson was taking a stroll through the quiet trailer park after the straining day of filming the battle of Laketown.

He was accompanied by Andy Serkis who inserted small suggestions to the schedule for the next week but Peter mostly felt free from work and all but thought himself a farmer who inspected his growing crops in the evening as he passed the many trailers containing his precious, delivering actors.

Just as he was about to spin around and return to the main gate and go home, he noticed Dean’s trailer. Honestly, how could he not for the trailer was lit like a Christmas tree with coloured lights but with the blinds down and the trailer was rocking from side to side in a steady rhythm Peter all too well recalled from his time in the 70’s.

But he wondered for a single second why Dean had decorated his trailer like that and how he, small as he was, was able to make his home move like that when suddenly a chorus of hoarse male groans left the trailer and startled Andy who dropped his writing pad on the ground.

After one heartbeat, Peter said slowly to a gaping and staring Andy, “Am I wrong, or is that the main part of my cast having group sex inside one trailer?”

Andy gulped and scratched his reddening neck. “It appears so. Dammit, I’ve told you over and over, Pete; you had it coming for casting so many striking, likable people again!”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you had fun reading this. I have no real experience with Xbox, but I have with PlayStation, so I just imagined what one would yell when gaming; things that also can be interpreted as sexual to an oblivious spectator. Feel free to comment or give me kudos!


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